A Heavy Heart

These past few weeks have given me a glimpse into the world - into how people live, how people interact, how people express culture, but, more than any of these, into the instincts of human nature. I have been interning at a non-profit organization -- Human Rights Initiative -- which, among other things, represents asylum applicants in their journey to flee their homelands for fear of continuing persecution. As part of my position, I spend a lot (really most) of my time researching these disheartening stories to corroborate the events set forth by the applicants. My research has taken me from the depths of domestic violence in Latin America to political persecutions in Africa. With each case and country, I am even more shocked by the prevalence of hatred that is expressed worldwide through harm to innocent peoples, people that just happen to believe something different or have a different color skin then their persecutors.

At our core, human nature is sinful. We are greedy, angry, fearful people. Unfortunately, this means that some will suffer at the hands of others, as has been seen throughout history. And this cycle will continue to repeat through generations - because world peace on a global scale is not accomplished through human hands.

I was reading through old journal entries the other night and came across one written approximately two years ago. The sermon that Sunday had apparently addressed the lack of prayer in our lives. In regards to this, I wrote,"I want to see the kind of change that will move mountains - but I never ask for that to happen. My heart longs to be part of something bigger than me - but I never ask to be a part of that movement." I feel helpless to combat a world bathed in injustice; but I also forget that there is a source of power stronger than the sins of the world, a power that literally carries the weight of the world on it. I want my prayers to be heard, to be understood and to be acted upon - I just need to believe in those prayers.

Where I Am

So, it's been a while. One of my New Year's resolutions was to blog more. Little behind on that one already. Maybe my new MacBook will inspire me to be more consistent as a blogger.

As I'm writing this, I'm also downloading cd's that Chris made for me. One is titled "Before You"; the other is appropriately titled "After You." "Before You" includes such songs as Girls, Girls, Girls (Motley Crue) and The Lord Loves the Drinkin' Man (Kevin Fowler); "After You" has songs such as Love Story (Taylor Swift) and Everything I Do (Bryan Adams). Very creative :-)

In all seriousness, Chris and I have had several conversations about how much we have changed in the past year; most notably, how much we have changed each other. Even reading through my past entries, I realize how much progress I've made even in the last six months. I'm moving forward. It took me a long time to let go of my time in New York; for up to a year after I moved there were times when I wondered if I should still be there, when I wanted to still be there. That's not where my life is now; actually, I really like where I am now. Life in Fort Worth is continuing the grow on me.

As I look back in retrospect, I understand more and more that God takes us through certain times to prepare us for our future. I needed that time in my life to live for myself, to experience that independence, so that one day I would be ready to share my life with someone else. I explored the world on my own, everyday learning more about who I was and who God was to me. In all honesty, I'm continuing to do that; however, now it's more through the lens of another person.