Better Late Than Never...Austin Summer

Grateful Wishes

IS GRATEFUL FOR...

*Skype dates with my favorite Soldier.

*perspective when the world seems BIGGER than it really is.

*weekend visits from the family.

*evenings outside.

*that certain someone who makes me a better person.

*the feeling after a five-mile run.

*overflowing, undeserving grace.

*the sacrifices of so many, that I may live in land of opportunity.

*people that believe in me.

BUT STILL WISHES...

*that there was not a $600 credit card bill [from law books] to pay so I could buy this necklace.

*to spend my summers here.

*it was healthy to eat cupcakes everyday from this bakery.

Little of This, Little of That

Daniel, Andy (the groom), me, Habs, and Lynn at Andy and Natalie's wedding in Dallas. At one time or another, we were all residents of the East Village. Those were good days.




Brittany (and Ryan) came into Fort Worth a few weekends ago for a wedding. Ashley (and Justin) and Leah (and Andrew) joined us for lunch at Yucatan Taco Stand, then a day of DDR and putt-putt.



Erum, Jessica and I went to see the Wizard of Oz at Fair Park. Cheap seats for only $14 is the way to go.

Summer Days

Some pictures of lately...

Last weekend, I helped Jenni, Chris' sister, moved into an apartment in the HEB area.














I scraped my shoulder in the process and wanted to post the proof of just how hard I worked.






Leah and I at a high school friend's wedding.

You and Me

Some of the photos a very talented friend of mine took before Chris deployed. She surprised me with the photo session at the Botanical Gardens in Fort Worth.

Email from Kuwait

My alarm went off much too early this morning. Nevertheless, I rolled over to turn it off and picked up my Blackberry to check my emails. An email from Chris! All of a sudden, I was awake. It was a short, but much needed email. Last night I went to bed with longing to hear his voice; I really wanted to talk to him, to be able to just dial him on my cell phone and just talk about nothing in particular. I want life to be like it was even just two weeks ago. I hate to think of what he is going through right now.

Tonight I'm going to a wedding shower for two good friends who are getting married next week out of country. It is somewhat bittersweet for me to go. Most of the time I am so happy for my friends who have so many good things happening in their lives right now - but, every once in a while, I am overwhelmed with a self-pity. Life seems to be on hold right. I feel as though I'm just waiting...waiting for Chris to come home...waiting for life to begin. I know that this is my life, right now where I am. I'm trying to live it. I'm trying to be in the moment. But it is hard to be around people who are moving on with life. It is even harder for me to listen to them complain about how hard it is. I just want to scream sometimes. Really, I know that buying a house is stressful or planning a wedding is stressful or that finding a job is stressful or that school exams are stressful. I know that life is just stressful. I am not trying to be a bad friend to them. Really, I want to be a good friend, one who is encouraging, supportive, sincere. But it is just a little hard right now.

This is not going to be an easy year. I know that one day it will be our turn. And I will never take that for granted. But we still have to get through this year. It makes it just a little bit easier, though, to know that next year at this time, Chris will be home and I will have graduated. 363 days from now...

Today

Today feels all wrong. Chris leaves tomorrow. It is so weird for me to think that this time next week he will be half a world away. I feel like I should be helping him tie up the loose strings. I should be enjoying these last few hours that I have with him near. Instead, I have spent the morning studying for my final this afternoon. I will then spend my afternoon taking the four hour final. Even though this week I've tried not to let it too much, law school really interferes too much with life.

Blog Reading

Lately, I've started reading other blogs (usually during class - it is the only time in my day that I actually have time!). NY Portraits is one that I look forward to checking everyday. Hope you enjoy it as much as I do!

Do Not Be THAT Woman

Yesterday I went to Target, as usual. I might just be considered a "regular" at Target. That's besides the point. I just needed a few things, so I grabbed one of those flimsy red baskets that you carry. Usually, this is how it works - I take one of those baskets, thinking I'm only going to get a few items...then an hour or so later I'm forced to the checkout line because my basket is now to heavy for me to carry. Well, yesterday was one of those very rare days that I really just had those few items in the basket. I get in line behind a middle-aged woman. She had been shopping for awhile obviously because she had a LOT of stuff overflowing from her cart. Probably at least twenty plastic bags. But it seems that she is almost done with the scanning and bagging process - or so I thought - so I proceeded to set my twelve or so items on the conveyor. Just as the cashier announces her total, the woman hands her a stack of coupons. I sigh. Surely it won't take long to scan them though. She scans the first two or three, then has some problem with the third coupon. The cashier holds the coupon closer to read it, then she asks the woman if she bought the item. The woman shrugs. So the cashier starts searching through all of the plastic bags in the woman's cart to see if the item is in there. The woman just stands there. I sigh again. I'm trying to give the woman the benefit of the doubt, maybe it was just a simple mistake. Finally, the cashier stops searching through the piles of bags. She tells the woman that she doesn't think she bought the item and hands the coupon back to her. The woman never says anything. The cashier goes back to scanning. Two or three more coupons in, the cashier encounters another problem. Same situation. I sigh loudly, still trying to give the woman the benefit of the doubt as she just stands there watching the cashier dig through her mountain of plastic bags to find the questionable coupon item. No luck. She hands the coupon back to the woman, to which the woman takes it without saying a word. Next coupon. The scanner, once again, does not detect that the item has been purchased. Ok, now this is getting ridiculous. Apparently, this woman has handed the cashier a stack of coupons for items to which she may or may not have actually purchased. The woman behind me sighs. Finally, by about the fifth nonusable coupon, the cashier has stopped searching through the bags and if the coupon doesn't register just hands it back to the woman. So, for all you coupon-users, please use only the coupons to which items you have actually bought. Do not be THAT woman.

Work in Progress

I've been thinking a lot lately - thoughts about my relationships, thoughts about school commitments, thoughts about the state of the world...and somehow all of those thoughts seem to intertwine around my future. I hate thinking about my future. I want to be the kind of free-spirited person that takes life as it comes and, in some respects, I can be that carefree person. But there always that fear that gnaws deep inside. Feels of inadequacy and frustration about my future often overshadow the excitement and appreciation that I should experience now.

The other night at my bible study, we read a verse from 2 Timothy that went sometime along the lines of: "God did not give us a spirit of timidity...". In that moment, I realized that I have been living in fear. Thoughts of my prayers for the past several months filled my head - the prayers in which I confessed that I was scared of the future, the burden that had been weighing me down. Finally it was coming together. This is what it means to be paralyzed by sin. The lack of faith in my life was, almost embarrassingly, evident. The fear that plagued me was a result of my desire to carry my future in my own hands, not to trust that God will be my provider.

Looking back at the stages of my life, it seems this is a repeat pattern. The truth is that God has also given me what I need, if not more. I know that he will continue to do so. Honestly, I'm not exactly sure how to get to the point of having a faith that overcomes fear. I do know that faith in a work in progress though. And as I'm struggling to this point, I feel a sense of confidence that God has me where He wants me and intends to use me.

Something Good

Brooklyn Bridge, Winter 2008

Cinque Terre, Italy, Summer 2007

Paris, France, Summer 2007

Washington Square Park, New York City, Summer 2006

Continental Divide, Colorado, Summer 2008

These are pictures I have taken over the last few years - they remind me of the goodness of life.

A Heavy Heart

These past few weeks have given me a glimpse into the world - into how people live, how people interact, how people express culture, but, more than any of these, into the instincts of human nature. I have been interning at a non-profit organization -- Human Rights Initiative -- which, among other things, represents asylum applicants in their journey to flee their homelands for fear of continuing persecution. As part of my position, I spend a lot (really most) of my time researching these disheartening stories to corroborate the events set forth by the applicants. My research has taken me from the depths of domestic violence in Latin America to political persecutions in Africa. With each case and country, I am even more shocked by the prevalence of hatred that is expressed worldwide through harm to innocent peoples, people that just happen to believe something different or have a different color skin then their persecutors.

At our core, human nature is sinful. We are greedy, angry, fearful people. Unfortunately, this means that some will suffer at the hands of others, as has been seen throughout history. And this cycle will continue to repeat through generations - because world peace on a global scale is not accomplished through human hands.

I was reading through old journal entries the other night and came across one written approximately two years ago. The sermon that Sunday had apparently addressed the lack of prayer in our lives. In regards to this, I wrote,"I want to see the kind of change that will move mountains - but I never ask for that to happen. My heart longs to be part of something bigger than me - but I never ask to be a part of that movement." I feel helpless to combat a world bathed in injustice; but I also forget that there is a source of power stronger than the sins of the world, a power that literally carries the weight of the world on it. I want my prayers to be heard, to be understood and to be acted upon - I just need to believe in those prayers.

Where I Am

So, it's been a while. One of my New Year's resolutions was to blog more. Little behind on that one already. Maybe my new MacBook will inspire me to be more consistent as a blogger.

As I'm writing this, I'm also downloading cd's that Chris made for me. One is titled "Before You"; the other is appropriately titled "After You." "Before You" includes such songs as Girls, Girls, Girls (Motley Crue) and The Lord Loves the Drinkin' Man (Kevin Fowler); "After You" has songs such as Love Story (Taylor Swift) and Everything I Do (Bryan Adams). Very creative :-)

In all seriousness, Chris and I have had several conversations about how much we have changed in the past year; most notably, how much we have changed each other. Even reading through my past entries, I realize how much progress I've made even in the last six months. I'm moving forward. It took me a long time to let go of my time in New York; for up to a year after I moved there were times when I wondered if I should still be there, when I wanted to still be there. That's not where my life is now; actually, I really like where I am now. Life in Fort Worth is continuing the grow on me.

As I look back in retrospect, I understand more and more that God takes us through certain times to prepare us for our future. I needed that time in my life to live for myself, to experience that independence, so that one day I would be ready to share my life with someone else. I explored the world on my own, everyday learning more about who I was and who God was to me. In all honesty, I'm continuing to do that; however, now it's more through the lens of another person.